Kim Kardashian's and Kanye West's wedding ceremony planned

Kim Kardashian's and Kanye West's wedding ceremony planned

Not many people know this, not even Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, but I was actually going to be their marriage celebrant. In the final minutes leading up to the weekend’s ceremony I lost the job to Trinity Church Pastor Rich Wilkerson Jr.

So now that the ceremony I had planned is never going to be used I thought I’d share it for everyone to see online. Enjoy.

1: Kimye processional

Yeezus to walk himself down the aisle to the song ‘Jesus Walks

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Kim to take the aisle to ‘All Of The Lights

All-Of-The-Lights

Kim Kardashian's wedding dress

2: Bridal Party

Kanye’s horses to stand next to him on the altar for encouragement

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Kim to save some pennies by recycling a previous bridal party

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3. Ceremony

Welcome all of the guests and remind them to put their phones on silent and that the ceremony is an unplugged ceremony but it’d be great if a guest or two could leak a photo online later on.

Opening Reading

From the hippest bible, The Voice bible, from Genesis 2

[quote]Now this is the reason a man leaves his record company and his posse, and is united with his wife; and the two become one flesh. In those days the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed and they filmed it.[/quote]

Vows

The vow writing was outsourced to news.com.au’s Nick Bond:

Kim: OK, Kanye, so, like, OK, like, so-
Kanye: Kim! Imma let you finish, but Beyonce and Jay Z had some of the best wedding vows of ALL TIME!

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Kim: Can I finish? I promise that I will stand by you for the rest of my life, or at least for the next 73 days. Come on, that’s gotta be a record.

I promise to give you plenty more beautiful babies to join North West – East West, South West and yes, even West West. Before long we’ll have a whole GPS of children.

I promise to love you more than all four of my fragrances, which are available now at all good retailers — tell your friends!

Finally, I promise never to turn into my mother … or Bruce Jenner.

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Kanye: Kim, what an honour it is … for you to be marrying me. I know marriage ain’t always Yeezy, but I stand here today before the eyes of Yeezus to pledge my love for you.

I promise to make every day of our marriage as good as the Bound 2 video. By that I mean we’ll spend our days riding a stationary motorcycle in front of a green screen, you jiggling topless while straddling me backwards. You down?

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I swear I’ll be good, not just to you, but your whole family: Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall, uh … I wanna say Krusty? Is there a Kerri-Anne?
I promise to never, ever, ever let you release another single.

Finally, Kim, I have one more thing to say: I want prenup! I want prenup, YEAH!

Pre-Nupt

Ring exchange

Kanye, Kim, if you like it then you should put a ring on it. Don’t be mad once you see that he want it.

Kanye, do you like it? [Yes!] Well put a ring on it.

Kim, do you like it? [Yes!] Well put a ring on it.

Ring-on-it

Moment of reflection

Your wedding day is a crazy day of preparations, expectations and celebrations, so let’s take a moment to reflect on the past, and the next, 72 days.

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Pronounce husband and wife

With the power given to me by the Internet, I can now proudly pronounce you husband and wife, you may now Instagram a selfie.

Signing the marriage certificate

Take a photo of the marriage certificate and Instagram it to prove it’s fo ‘real.

Presentation

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together as I present to you Mr and Mrs American Boy.

Recessional

Ballet dancers in black tutus flood the ceremony area.

Ballet-dancers

Bride and groom walk back down the aisle to ‘Runaway

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Post-Ceremony

Kimye to depart for photos, everyone else to also take photos. Photos for everyone. Make sure there’s wifi for Instagram.

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Ceremony notes

Don’t do the Gold Digger joke. Family not cool with it.

Gold-Digger

This is a joke. You know that right?

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